In trying so hard to choose differently on a moment to moment basis, I sometimes feel a weight on my shoulders that will never lift. It is not easy to be an enlightened person - especially if you are faking till you make it… (One of the best ways to learn, I have heard) I can only surmise that I have a very long way to go. I apply a filter to my exchanges with the world. A conscious one that I have been practicing many, many, years. That filter says let not one word leave my mouth, one thought to go without being examined, be derogatory, hurtful or negative to any one, myself, included. Most days it is easy, I never leave this house except for errands.
When I do go out, I am bombarded. I fail miserably. When I see a loved one doing stuff I want to smack them for, I fail miserably. When I do a life review, I fail miserably. When I drive, I fail miserably. Mostly I spend a lot of time failing miserably. I am working on not judging others and myself, I am also failing miserably there too. I'm good a failing - and that makes me miserable. I guess you could say I'm good at being miserable.
I would like to stop being miserable, but then I would have to stop caring. I would have to stop wanting this place, this earth to be better. I would have to really harden my heart, and hate everybody. I can't do that either. I would love to just make some sense of it, put it in some perspective. My whole life has been a search for the how and why of it. You would hope that as you age life in general would give you some clues.
Then you realize that there will never be a concise answer, that there will always be that confusion waiting to bite your ass should you forget your practice for one moment in time. So then you begin to ask why this should be such a problem.
Here are my thoughts:
Quote from Jimmy Church last night, "Nothing is as it seems." Just as you figure something out, it morphs into something else. Once you perceive something and think you've got it locked down, it wavers and becomes something else. Just when you hear what you think is the truth from someone, you realize there is a back story.
For instance like me, the reason I took up the above practice, was to avoid creating more interpersonal pain in my life. Funny. My mother was raised by a Quaker, and even though she never said one thing out loud, her internal approach to life rubbed off on me. The only person who truly understands this is my son, and I think it is because my awareness of this rubbed off on him. I never 'told' him how to be. To these two people I have a depth of connection that goes far beyond words to some other place. And well, the rest of the world….
Nothing is ever as it seems. Everything has a back story, a machination, a manipulative purpose and a million layers to it. EVERYTHING. It is our choice to perceive any of those layers we desire, interpret that perception in light of our inner truth, and act accordingly. And, above all, Never, Ever assume that anybody else sees the world the way you do. If reality changes moment to moment in our own brains, it is doing so for everybody else too depending on which layer they are currently looking at, at any given moment. This means reality is not static. Reality is not a rock - unchanging in our perception of time (but not its own.) Reality then becomes a flow because our reality is built on our perception of time and how long things stay the same. And apparently, that is important when you are trying to manipulate events in your favor in an effort to stabilize what your reality is and the outcomes you wish in life… And this is how it all comes off. We are all compartmentalized, not just the black projects, or the secret space program, or the NWO, or the 'others'. Until we can all share a common inner view point or at least a common lens our individual viewpoints of perception will all be slightly different from each other's and cause misapprehension. We need a common lens and a better ethic. I say a better ethic because there are those out there who would if they knew how you saw your reality take it and drive it towards their own means... Which, actually is already being done to us. In light of all this, there are days when the weight of it all is just so great that,
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